FAKE NEWS ON CAMPUS – 13 FEB EDITION
Wormholes on all campuses by 2025
La Trobe’s top physicists redoubled their efforts to crack time travel this summer and address the age-old student problem of clashing lectures, classes and tutes.
Dr Dorothea Brown, author of Digestible Quantum Physics for the Modern Melburnian, who has been working frantically from Physics on unlocking the space-time continuum before O-week, provided an update from her lab:
“We’re close – we think we teleported a duck to our Bendigo Campus, but this has yet to be verified, because ducks look very similar.
“A colleague has also been driving a DeLorean at pace up and down Science Drive during thunderstorms in recent weeks, but this has done little more than frighten native wildlife.”
What a duck looks like now 
What a duck is projected to look like in 2030
Apart from solving timetable clashes, returning library books on time and catching missed buses and trams, time travel would help students avoid awkward conversations with “that one guy” from their course.
Baz Lucezzi, Head of Over-Ambitious Projects and Ludicrous Technology, said;
“This is the natural next step after the success of the Autonomous Shuttle Bus project in 2018. We’re aiming to be the first in Australia for on-campus trans-dimensional travel by 2030.”
Third-Year Marketing student Shari said;
“Yeah sounds sick, I’ve seen Rick and Morty, so I don’t see why not? And if it means that I can check my Gram, get a coffee, go for a swim and be in class all at the same time – then that’s sweet.”
However, Dr Ralph Wood, from the Research Centre for APTIRL (Applying Philosophical Theory IRL), is concerned about the implications of the introduction of trans-dimensional portals:
“Apart from the obvious concerns of students continuing to travel back through the portals in perpetuity to cheat in their exams, there’s also the issue of genetically advanced future humans coming back and having a big laugh at how basic we all are, which could lead to widespread social anxiety.”
Dr Brown concluded that time travel is unlikely to be available on campus by Semester 1;
“If it was working someone would have come back by now to tell us”.
BUT SERIOUSLY…?
Some clashes are unavoidable. Please see the Guide to Allocation Adjustment mode for information and instructions on what to do if you have a clash. An approved clash list is included under the heading What should I do if I have a clash?